


Nyactis Catlum's

by ohmyfae



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Cat cafe AU, Cats solve everything, Coffeeshop AU, M/M, smut at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 09:57:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15838911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmyfae/pseuds/ohmyfae
Summary: Ardyn Izunia runs the Gem of Solheim, a hole-in-the-wall cafe with a stalwart group of regulars and an anarchist library in the back, and he is perfectly at home with his life as it stands. That is, until a bunch of young men renovate the old bookstore across the street, turning it into a cat cafe that threatens to ruin Ardyn's business, and most importantly, hisaesthetic.This is not to be borne.A fill for the kinkmeme!





	Nyactis Catlum's

Ardyn Izunia stood under the warm glow of a sputtering street light, digging into the voluminous sleeves of his coat. The outskirts of Insomnia were quiet at this time of day, not yet thick with the foot traffic of locals heading for the subway, and Ardyn breathed in the scent of damp grass, fresh mulch in the tree beds by the sidewalk, and the ever-present echoes of twenty years worth of freshly roasted coffee. He whipped out a heavy iron key and opened a door engraved with a tasteful rose and crystal motif. A bell rang sweetly through the still air, and Ardyn disappeared into the darkness of his shop.

The Gem of Solheim wasn't just a cafe. Oh, it sold coffee, certainly, and a number of small pastries delivered by an overworked, slightly harried young chef every morning, but that was just a cover. The heart of the Gem lay elsewhere. It was in its rose-shaped salt lamps and crystal wall sconces. The small, thriving anarchist library in the back, behind a thick black curtain. Chairs so used to the shape of Ardyn's regulars that Ardyn found himself eyeing newcomers with distaste, trying to urge them to a spot by the door. It was a treasure decades in the making, and Ardyn had managed it on his own, carving out a place for himself despite the insistent letters from his brother that lay in a box under his cleaning supplies. Solitude had helped him flourish, and for that, at least, Ardyn could feel at least some measure of gratitude.

His first regular, a young veteran named Loqi Tummelt, arrived on the dot at six in the morning, hunched in his jacket and grumbling darkly. "Three shots of espresso, Ardyn," he said.

"Quite well, thank you," Ardyn said. "And how are you this morning? Cor Leonis walking his dog again?" Ardyn smiled, already steaming the milk Loqi hadn't asked for.

"He thinks he's so clever," Loqi said, as though that meant anything. Ardyn made sympathetic noises. "Talking about his godson now. Like I care if his godson is a godsdamned _entrepreneur!"_ He sank into his booth and put his head in his hands.

The bell rang just as Loqi was sucking down espresso like a dying man in a desert, and Ardyn looked up, set down his cleaning cloth, and narrowed his eyes. 

"Go home," he said.

"Oh, Ardyn." Lunafreya Nox Fleuret, sister to Ardyn's second-youngest regular and a woman Ardyn had long ago banned from the cafe, stuck her head inside. "I do wish you'd get over it. I was twelve."

"You called the inspector on me for looking _seedy,"_ Ardyn said. "You can stay where you are."

Luna sighed. "May I have Ravus' usual, then? He's late."

"Put the money on the newspaper stand and step back," Ardyn warned, and Luna sighed gustily. A bill dropped on yesterday's paper, and Ardyn started whipping together the sugariest, creamiest, most sickening cup of so-called coffee he'd ever been forced to memorize.

"You'll be interested to know," Luna said, "that the old bookstore across the street is being--"

"I don't speak to traitors," Ardyn said.

"Oh, for gods' sakes." Luna stuck her head through the door again. "The next time you come to my shop for a card reading, I'll--"

"Do no harm," Ardyn sing-songed, and Luna groaned. Loqi snickered from behind a borrowed book; Luna was the local psychic, just like her mother, setting up shop beneath the family home while a disapproving Ravus commuted to the business district. 

When Ardyn delivered Ravus' coffee, as it were, into Luna's perfectly manicured hands, Luna stood on tiptoe to kiss Ardyn on the cheek. 

"You might want to look outside," she said, and hurried off, her high heels clicking on the uneven sidewalk. Ardyn gestured after her, but she was already raising a hand in a jaunty wave of her own.

With a sigh--the Nox Fleurets were always a trial--Ardyn craned to look round the street. There were the usual neighbors walking their dogs (the nefarious Cor among them--Ardyn would have to tell Loqi), as well as antique store owners wrestling ancient chairs draped with jewelry into the sidewalk. And across the street, where the old bookstore used to be, was--

Hm.

Ardyn opened the door a little wider. A young man stood at the open door of the abandoned shop, holding a box in both arms. His biceps bulged, wiry muscles standing out as a tall man with long, flowing brown hair and a tattoo across his bare back fixed a sign over the door. The young man laughed. His hair was dark, his eyes bright, and he stood like a soldier with his feet set perfectly apart. Ardyn was familiar with soldiers by this time of life--most young men in their twenties had already served a term on the front, just as they had in Ardyn's time. This one must have come home in the past year, if the length of his hair was any indication.

The man must have caught Ardyn watching him, because he turned to stare right back, his lips quirked in a sideways smile. Ardyn smiled tightly back.

"Done!" cried the tattooed man, stepping back. "What do you think, Noct?"

The young man--Noct--peered up at the sign. So did Ardyn.

"Oh, gods," Ardyn murmured.

"Hell yeah," said Noct. "Lookin' great, Gladio."

Above the two men, where the iron sign of the bookstore used to be, was a green sign with white paint made to look like chalk on a board. A crude drawing of a cat gamboled across it, and the words on the sign spelled out trouble more dire than any of Luna's cards or omens ever could.

" _Nyactis Catlum's Cat Cafe,"_ he said, in a leaden voice. "Gods help us all."

 

-

 

For a while, despite the fact that there were three young men turning the bookshop across the street into a house of horrors, nothing really changed at the Gem of Solheim. Ardyn's regulars peered out the window a little more, and Ardyn nearly broke out his ancient, heat-warped record player when the boys started blasting synthetic pop, but life went on regardless. Ardyn was already dismissing the cat cafe as yet another doomed venture, like gourmet marshmallow shops or flat-heeled shoes, when Noct, Mr. Nyactis himself, stole Ardyn's baker out from under him.

"I'm dreadfully sorry, Mr. Izunia," Ignis Scientia said, standing ramrod straight at the door. His hands were clasped behind his back, his chin lifted slightly, and the pale, raised scars over his eyes seemed almost grey in the dim light. "This has been a dream of ours for some time, you see, and after our tour in Altissia..."

"Ignis." Ardyn stepped forward, and Ignis rocked on his heels. "You're the best baker to come out of your family in twenty years. Since you came on last year--"

"Yes, sir. I know, sir." Ardyn smiled wryly despite himself. "But I must. I promised Noct. My uncle is more than happy to send my cousin Eurice with deliveries."

"Your uncle, my dear, uses far too much flour than is reasonable, and he doesn't know his way around a proper scone." This time, it was Ignis' turn to smile. "Would it change matters at all if I were to beg?"

"Not particularly, sir. Sorry." Ignis backed up and unfolded a pair of dark glasses from his vest pocket. "Eurice will be by at six tomorrow."

"I shall wallow in misery until then, I assure you," Ardyn said. He bowed, even though he knew Ignis would see little more than a shift in the light, and Ignis' funny little smile twitched. Then he was gone, jaywalking across the street. When he reached the door of the cat cafe, it opened to reveal Noct in a skull-print shirt and black shorts that hugged his thighs, dripping with sweat in the mid-morning heat. He wrapped an arm around Ignis' neck and towed him inside, his low laughter ringing through the air.

Ardyn slammed the door so hard that a fifth century painting of _The Maiden And Her Swans_ went crashing into a leather chaise lounge. He buried himself in the contents of his library for the rest of the afternoon, and quietly considered bribing Lunafreya to place a curse on that damned building, just in case.

It opened three days later.

Ardyn could see the section of the cafe reserved for cats from the side window. A fat black cat oozed over a raised bed, a tabby pounced and batted their paws at onlookers, and once, Ardyn even saw Luna there, walking around with an orange kitten in her arms. Ardyn tugged down the curtain over his side window and kept the front door firmly closed.

The first sign that something had gone truly amiss, that the cat cafe was not, in fact, going the way of sensible flats and disappearing from Ardyn's life, came in the form of a young woman with thick blonde braids stepping into the Gem with a phone in her hand.

"Hey," she said, blinking in the comfortable darkness of the shop. "What's your guys' password? The place across the street is way too packed."

Ardyn attempted a brittle smile. "Our password to what, exactly?"

"You know," the woman said, helpfully. "Your password."

They stared at each other for a moment. 

"Your wifi," she added.

"Ah. I've heard of those," Ardyn said. One of his regulars had a son with, well, somewhat unusual tastes, and Ardyn had learned a thing or two despite his best efforts. "We don't sell body pillows in _this_ establishment, thank you."

The woman looked, if anything, more confused than ever. She backed up a step. "Right. I'll, uh, I'll just risk the line, I guess."

The door rang as she left, legging it across traffic towards the crowded cafe.

"She meant the internet, Ardyn," croaked a voice from the back. Iedolas Aldercapt, the former owner of the Gem and current regular, lifted a cup of tea to his lips. "You ought to give it a try sometime."

"More trouble than it's worth," Ardyn said, and Aldercapt shrugged. "It's full of grifters, in any case."

"Oh? Then you'll be right at home."

Ardyn laid a hand on his chest. "You wound me, sir. I have only ever been a hardworking businessman, on my honor."

"Thought you said you didn't have any honor," Aldercapt said, blowing on his tea. Ardyn grinned.

"It's not gone, though. Simply mislaid." Ardyn's mocking smile vanished as he turned back to the window, where Noct was standing just at the door to the cafe with a black kitten on his shoulder, leaning down so a group of teenagers could coo and giggle at it. Shameless, really. Ardyn almost admired him for it, if he thought it was at all a calculated act and not just some young man blazing through an impossible whim. Noct turned towards the Gem again, and Ardyn quickly set to rearranging his decorative glasses. 

After a minute, the bell on the door jingled. Ardyn turned slowly, taking in Noct--Nyactis Catlum, he thought, somewhat vindictively--standing just in the doorway. His hair was styled in a way that looked deliberately messy, and up close, his eyes were a startling blue. He looked up at Ardyn, who practically towered over him, and sucked at his lower lip.

"Hey," he said.

"Good morning," Ardyn said. "What brings you to my humble establishment?"

Noct shifted on his feet. "I'm Noct. Noctis. I run the place across the street." He spoke bluntly, with none of the smooth, practiced finesse Ardyn had been raised to master, and his gaze kept skittering over the lamps and paintings on the wall. "You really like roses, huh?"

"They have their merit," Ardyn said.

Noct scratched the back of his head. "Yeah. So. I kind of took Specs from you--Ignis. Took Ignis. So I figured I could, I don't know, make it up to you. I had these made last night." He passed a slip of paper to Ardyn, who took it with the care of someone disposing of a dead rat. Ardyn opened it and pressed his lips together.

"The oh-woah thing was Prompto's idea," Noct said, nonsensically. "He's the barista."

Ardyn carefully folded the paper again. It had another drawing of a cat on the front, with the words "I CAN HAS CAT TIME NOW OWO? 20 MINUTES OF FREE PETS OWO" in red block letters. It was positively demonic.

"I don't know what to say," Ardyn said.

"Yeah, it's pretty bad," Noct said. "But free time with the cats, right? There's one I think you'll like, she's this long haired black and white--"

"I wouldn't want to keep you from your work," Ardyn said. His smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "And I've never really gotten on with cats." It was a lie, of course--Ardyn regarded cats in the same way as he did all small, self-absorbed creatures, with begrudging respect and casual disinterest. 

Noct seemed to have caught on, as his face seemed to fall a little, and he stepped back. "Oh," he said. "Well. It's not Ignis, is it?"

"You can't be persuaded to let me borrow him?" Ardyn asked. Noct's expression smoothed to utter blankness. "Well, then, perhaps you'd better find someone else to take this... inventive little coupon."

"Nah," Noct said. "Keep it. Whatever." He hunched his shoulders as he turned, closing in on himself, and didn't bother to catch the door after him. It banged shut, and Ardyn strode over to shut it again out of pure spite.

"What," Ardyn said, whirling to face Aldercapt, "in the gods' green earth is an oh-woah?"

"I haven't the foggiest," Aldercapt said, taking a long sip of his tea. "But I think you might be in for a spot of trouble this time."

Ardyn swept the coupon into the trash and went back to his glasses, turning a dragon-shaped goblet to catch the light. "Hardly, my dear Iedolas," he said. "I expect it'll all be over soon enough."

 

-

 

"Madam," Ardyn said, with all the patience of a glacier on the verge of a catastrophic break. "Please restrain your offspring."

"What?" The middle-aged woman standing at the counter of the Gem narrowed her eyes under precisely-cut bangs. Behind her, a child swung a box with the head of a purple bear shoved through a hole in the side, narrowly missing an antique urn from the sixth century. "I _said_ I wanted your Unicorn frappe."

She pronounced it "frap-pie," smacking her lips on the second syllable. Ardyn eyed the child currently stepping onto the chaise lounge. "We don't name our drinks after mythical creatures," he said, subtly shifting his weight so the woman couldn't see the "Astral blend" of specialty herbals and teas. 

"Well," the woman snapped. "That man across the street said you had them. I waited in line for six minutes! Six! Whole minutes! And when I told the manager I wanted a refund, he said you make a Unicorn better than he does, so whaddaya say about that?"

Ardyn smiled. "Oh, well, then," he said. "That does change things." He took out a mason jar and plopped it on the counter. "For ambiance," he said, still smiling. Then, without breaking eye contact once, Ardyn poured the woman a cup of plain black coffee, Niflheim roast, into which he plunked a single ice cube from the fridge.

"Behold," he said. "The unicorn. A plain, honest cup of coffee."

The woman gaped, fury rising from her perfect white shoes to the sweater she kept knotted around her neck. "And," Ardyn said, "in the spirit of good will, you can have twenty minutes in the cat cafe's... cat corner... free of charge." He dropped the crumpled coupon on the counter. "Now take your child and leave."

"I," the woman said, fury crackling in every syllable, "want. To. Speak. To. Your. Manager."

Ardyn picked up the mason jar and slowly downed the cup of coffee in front of her. "Why, darling," he said. "You're looking at him."

The woman ended up having to be forcibly escorted from the cat room. It was a _delight_ to watch. Ardyn enjoyed it from his spot just outside the Gem, where he nursed a cup of Galahdian dark roast and admired the way all four of the cat cafe's joint owners had to ferry the woman to the door. When she was gone, her child stumbling after her with a massive pink concoction that certainly didn't look like it came from nature, Noct turned to level an impressive scowl in Ardyn's direction.

Ardyn winked.

The next day, a line of young men in snapbacks appeared at the door, asking about Ardyn's Behemoth Espresso Challenge. Ardyn leaned to peer out the door and saw Noct in the cat cafe window, holding a grey and white tabby, and offered the boys a cheery smile.

When he was done making their "challenge," (a simple cup of Galahdian roast with vanilla and an extra shot, nothing remarkable,) they were practically tripping over each other to take pictures of their mugs. They nearly ruined the foam, which Ardyn had arranged in clever designs like twisting horns, and sat in a huddle in the back of the cafe, hunched over their phones.

Seven more people came by asking for the same drink the next day, and Ardyn put it on the menu, making sure the words "Behemoth Espresso Challenge" were visible from across the street.

Then, one cool, brisk morning, Ardyn received a somewhat less conventional visitor.

They arrived on the heels of Ravus Nox Fleuret, who had a magnificent jacket pinned up to the collar, with one sleeve folded up with a brass button to keep it in place. His shoulder always ached when the weather changed, and he usually left his prosthetic at home.

"My usual, Ardyn," he said. "And green tea for Luna. She's waiting outside."

Luna waved from a leather chair she'd scooted over from the thrift store next door. Ardyn rolled his eyes.

"Have you visited the new cafe yet?" Ardyn asked, giving Ravus' cup a generous amount of chocolate. 

_a-woo_

"I..." Ravus' cheeks flushed pink, and he pretended to examine the library instead, poring over the faded titles. "I may have tried their Cosmic Galaxy frappe."

"Oh? And?"

Ravus frowned. "It was acceptable."

Damn. That was glowing praise from Ravus. Ardyn drizzled in caramel and got to steaming the milk.

_a-woo_

Luna's tea wouldn't take long to brew--Ardyn's particular green tea was so sensitive that he'd--

_AOOUUURRRF!_

Ardyn froze. Ravus twisted round from his place at the anarchist library. A barstool creaked, and Ardyn saw a pair of grey ears--one nicked, both twitching--appear over the counter.

 _A-hwoo,_ howled the grey and white tabby, opening its little pink mouth. Ardyn set down the milk tin with a clang, and the cat put their paws on the counter.

"Oh, no," Ardyn said.

"Is that--"

"I am not," Ardyn continued, gathering up a couch throw he figured he could wash later, "condoning an invasion of cats." 

The tabby let out a _mrrt!_ of alarm as Ardyn descended on them, wrapping them up in the blanket. At first, the cat wriggled about, but when they realized that not only were they warm, but that they were being held, the fool creature rolled on their back and started to purr like a faulty engine.

"Don't get attached," Ardyn warned, and strode out the door, leaving Ravus to stare in bewildered shock at the milk going cold in the tin.

Noct rushed out the front door before Ardyn could even reach it, his blue eyes wide with panic. "Oh, thank fuck," he said.

"This can't be a good business practice," Ardyn said. "Losing your cats like this."

"The cat side of the cafe is secure," Noct said. He reached into the blanket and pulled out the cat, which twisted to stare balefully at Ardyn. "This one's mine. We keep him in the front."

"Clearly, you don't," Ardyn said. "Keep him away from my cafe, young man, or I'll have to make a few, ah, pertinent calls."

Noct's face darkened. The cat blinked slowly at Ardyn, whiskers tilted forward. "You wouldn't."

Ardyn bowed, taking off his hat for good measure, and spun on his heel.

"Smug fucking asshole!" Noct shouted after him. Ardyn waved his fingers in a mocking farewell. When he made to open the front door, Luna stood from her borrowed chair.

"Ardyn," she said. "Noctis isn't really that--"

"Please," Ardyn said. "Show mercy and end it there."

"I don't need a third eye to know where this is going," Luna said. 

"Wonderful," Ardyn said. "Now be a dear and go tell that to the owner of Nyactis Catlum's, why don't you?"

Luna sighed and pulled out a small leather pouch embroidered with stars. She spilled a handful of stones into her hand and glared up at Ardyn.

"A good luck spell," she said, nudging the stones aside with one finger. "I have a feeling that the two of you are going to need it."

 

-

 

Just as the city began its sharp turn out of summer with a cold wind off the sea, the closest Insomnia ever came to a true winter, Ardyn arrived at the Gem to find a line of people sitting on the sidewalk by the cat cafe, watching him like hawks. He took out his key. A dozen pairs of eyes followed his hand to the door.

As the door scraped over the antique rug at the entranceway, a plaintive voice piped up, "How long before you open?

Ardyn twisted round, taking in the full spectrum of human desperation in one glance. "Not long," he said, forcing a smile.

"Do you have a bathroom?" someone asked. "The event doesn't start for another hour."

Ardyn did have a bathroom in the back, but it was reserved for specialcustomers, those he'd known for at least a decade. "I fear I do not," he said. There was a collective groan of despair. "But I can have a pot of coffee brewed in a few minutes, if you like."

And so, two hours before Nyactus Catlum's opened, Ardyn took the distinct pleasure of serving all of Noct's customers before he could get his grubby little hands on them. 

Then the event, so the customers called it, truly began.

It started with Prompto, the blond barista Ardyn only knew of through the lovelorn sighs of customers who didn't frequent the cafe for the cats, showing up in cat ears, a collar, and an open shirt tucked into his jeans, which had... An unusual effect among the crowd. Then Gladio, the so-called cat cuddler, arrived sans shirt, carting in a fold-out table, which was worse. A few people in matching shirts sat at the table with a clipboard and a box, and Noct opened the front door wide.

"Alright, guys," he said, not bothering to project his voice whatsoever. Like Prompto, Noct wore a headband with cat ears, but it was slipping down the back of his head, and his collar looked more... Well. Ardyn wondered if he knew, or if he'd just walked into a fetish shop and grabbed the first thing he saw. "Cat Adoption Day is a-go."

It was a disaster. Oh, the adoption day seemed to be going swimmingly, of course, but Ardyn kept having to deal with the spillover. Countless dazed people wandered in with cats howling or meowing or hissing in black carriers, asking for drinks with _pumpkin_ mixed in (a horrifying concept, to be sure) and an ungodly range of syrups Ardyn suspected didn't actually exist. A father complained about the library containing "dangerous literature," which almost made Ardyn call it a day and shut the Gem down for the afternoon.

Almost.

There was one bright moment. Cor Leonis came in around noon, carrying a large cup from the cat cafe. He pulled a face and walked up to the counter, speaking in a hoarse whisper.

"Ardyn," he said. "Can you do me a favor and let me use your sink?"

Ardyn looked down at the cup. It was streaked with chocolate and caramel, and swirled with something that looked like edible glitter. "Oh, dear."

"I love him, but they don't serve coffee plain there," Cor whispered. "If you can--"

"Say nothing of it," Ardyn said, taking the cup out of Cor's hand. "Your usual?"

"Yes, thank you."

Ardyn scrubbed out the cup and set up a fine Cauthess roast. "That's your nephew's store?" he asked, in a deliberately vague tone.

Cor shrugged. "Godson. Been, you know, keeping an eye on him. You remember my friend Regis? Noctis' father?"

Ardyn didn't, but he smiled faintly. "Ah, yes. How is he?"

"Passed on three years ago," Cor said. For another man, this would have caused an unpleasant awkwardness to descend over the conversation, but Cor spoke of such things in a matter-of-fact tone that allowed no space for murmured, half-hearted apologies or condolences. "Noctis was overseas at the time. Gladio said he tried to go AWOL just to get home for the funeral. So when he got back this year, maybe I got a little, you know, invested. Noct took over my life for a while."

"Yes, Loqi mentioned that," Ardyn said.

Cor raised an eyebrow. "Who?"

Oh, dear. "No one important, I'm sure. Good of you to take such an interest in your godson, but, and I say this with deep affection--"

"Yeah, he's encroaching on your territory. I get it."

"I wouldn't say that," Ardyn said. "His cafe is just. Rather loud, isn't it?"

Cor hunched over his coffee and took a cautious sip. "I dunno," he said. "Not my thing, but he seems to be doing alright."

Ardyn's smile felt brittle enough to break. "Yes," he said, as Gladio stepped outside, cat whiskers painted on his cheeks, to pose for the crowd. "He certainly is."

Then, just as the event was winding down, Ravus Nox Fleuret, Ardyn's regular since the age of sixteen, nervously slid into the cat cafe and came back hauling a massive, deeply pleased monster of a cat in a plastic carrier.

"He walked up to me," he said, standing in front of Ardyn's door while the cat rubbed his face against the bars. Ravus' new pet was a black cat with one eye, half an ear missing, and a stub for a tail. "And I--that is--" Ravus' face colored darkly, patches of red blooming up his neck. "I don't see why I need to justify this to you."

"Of course," Ardyn said. "I'm not your keeper."

"No one wanted him," Ravus said.

"Poor thing." Ardyn peered across the street. Noct was leaning over a table, letting a young woman tap the cat ears poking up over his mussed hair. 

"He's a sweet old thing, anyways," Ravus said, and Ardyn jerked to attention, gaze snapping back to Ravus. Who was crouching on his ankles in front of the carrier, pressing his hand to the bars. The cat rumbled at him and rubbed his face against his fingers. 

"That Noctis," Ravus said, after a moment. "I thought he was, well, a bit of a fool for taking on this venture--"

"A wise assessment."

"But he took me right to him." Ravus' voice was soft, quieter than it had ever been, as he pet the cat's ragged ear. "Like he knew."

That evening, when Luna came by for tea, Ardyn broke his own personal rule and let her sit down in a booth by the window.

"How long do I have?" he asked, setting a mug of green tea down on a bamboo coaster. "Give me an estimate."

"Is this a professional question, or a friendly guess?" Luna asked. When Ardyn just stood there, she sighed. "Make yourself a cup of tea, but don't strain out the leaves."

"Blasphemy," Ardyn muttered, and Luna laughed. Still, he was just tired enough to try, and he handed Luna a cup of browning old leaves to sift through.

After a while, Luna grinned.

"What?" Ardyn asked. He leaned over to look. "What do you see? How long before I see the back of the boy?"

Luna burst out laughing, covering the cup with both hands. When she looked up, she had tears streaming down her cheeks, smearing her perfect makeup.

"Oh, Ardyn," she said, choking the words out through hitching breaths. "Never. You'll _never_ be rid of him."

Ardyn looked down at his cup, then to the door. "Traitors drink outside," he said. Luna's laughter rose to an unladylike howl, and she slumped over the cup. "Outside."

She kept laughing as Ardyn pushed her out, gripping a paper cup of tea to-go in one hand. Ardyn could still hear her when she'd gone, stumbling across the street, no doubt to give Noct the happy news.

 

-

 

It took Ardyn nearly six hours and an embarrassing amount of gil to enact his revenge, but when the door to the Gem banged open to reveal Noct, pink in the face and panting like he'd run a mile, every penny was worth it.

"Why Nyactis," Ardyn said. "What a pleasant surprise."

"The fuck did you do with the Ebony?" Noct asked. His chest was heaving in his thin, too-tight black shirt, which clung to muscles that tightened as Noct clutched the doorframe. 

"Ebony?" Ardyn asked, carefully raising his brows in a measured look of surprise.

"Yeah," Noct said. "Every fucking can of Ebony in a ten mile radius!"

Ardyn set down the glass he was buffing and slowly picked up a glossy can of Ebony, which he started polishing in its stead. "I'm afraid I don't know what you mean, Nyactis."

Noct made a delightful keening sound in the back of his throat. "Ignis knows at least ten ways to kill people," he said.

"Does he."

"And he has knives."

"Indeed."

"And no Ebony," Noct said, clenching his fist on the door, "which means I've got Prompto taking a bus across the city before Iggy skins one of us."

"Oh, dear," Ardyn said, kissing the side of the Ebony can before setting it down on the countertop. "We wouldn't want that."

He lifted out another can, and watched Noct rock a little on his toes.

"You're fucking evil," Noct said.

"Oh, don't," Ardyn said. "Please. Stop. The wounds of your tongue are like knives in my heart."

Noct raised a hand almost in supplication, watched Ardyn pick up another can, and whirled on his feet, charging back towards the cafe. 

Luna appeared ten minutes later, holding a pile of bills. "I want to buy a case--" she started.

"Go back to your masters," Ardyn said cheerfully, setting up a third row of cans. Luna groaned and stormed out.

Ardyn's vengeance was short-lived, but positively thrilling to watch. Prompto ran back into the cafe at about three in the afternoon to a chorus of ragged cheering, at which point Ardyn set out a sign that declared every purchase would come with a free six-pack of Ebony. On the house.

Noct came over just to stare at it for a moment, and Ardyn opened the door to smile down at him benevolently.

"Care for a drink?" Ardyn asked.

"Fuck you."

"If you insist," Ardyn said. Noct gave him a startled look, pink rushing to his cheeks once more, before his brows snapped together. "But something tells me you wouldn't be up for the challenge."

Noct opened his mouth to shout, and Ardyn closed the door on him.

He left the Gem that afternoon to find a sign on the cat cafe's window. It showed a grey cat in a fedora that looked somewhat like Ardyn's, sitting in a small trash can with their paws sticking out over the side.

 _Don't be a garbage cat,_ it read. _Come meow-ver to Nyactis Catlum's for a cup of RRRRREAL coffee!_

"Oh, Noct," Ardyn said, almost fondly. "You tried."

The next morning, when Ardyn found a shoebox with the lid taped shut at his cafe door, he gently nudged it aside with his shoe, certain it was a miserable attempt at a prank.

The box squeaked.

"Pardon?" Ardyn said. He leaned down and peeled back the tape on the lid. When he lifted it off, he found a small, black cat with bristling fur and a pathetic little stick of a tail, stumbling weakly at the bottom of the box.

"Ah," he said.

The kitten squeaked. It opened its mouth, and instead of the precious meow Ardyn half expected, let loose a raspy screech. It screeched again, and again, trying and failing to climb up the edges of the box.

Someone had written a message on the inside of the lid. Daughter didn't want her, Ardyn read. Sorry.

"Monsters," Ardyn said quietly, and held out a hand to the kitten, who immediately latched on, gnawing at Ardyn's fingers with sharp, needle-like teeth. 

He looked over at the dark doorway of Nyactis Catlum's, then back at the kitten. She was small enough to fit in the palm of his hand--surely too small to be one of theirs. Ardyn scooped her into his palm and sighed.

Noct found him sitting by the doorway an hour later, the kitten slowly navigating a treacherous climb up his scarf. Noct narrowed his eyes, looking Ardyn up and down.

"Someone left a box outside my cafe," Ardyn said. "Thought they must have been mistaken."

"Oh," Noct said. Some of the tension drained out of his shoulders. "Yeah, that happens. Can I see it?" He leaned down and held out a hand for the kitten to sniff. The kitten promptly hissed at him.

"She has good taste," Ardyn murmured.

"You want me to help or not?" Noct asked. "This happens like, once a week now. We have a room in the back for quarantine. Come on."

He unlocked the door, and Ardyn stood, holding the kitten in both hands.

The cafe looked rather pleasant from the inside. Round wooden tables, tasteful lamps, and an unfortunate amount of cat-related decor. Ardyn followed Noct into a back room, which looked more like a closet than anything. Noct sat down on a stool and held out his hands. Ardyn deposited the unwilling kitten into them, and Noct flipped her over. All her legs spread out at once, claws gleaming.

"Yeah, yeah," Noct said, as the kitten protested. "Well, it's a girl. Too young to be fixed, probably hasn't had her shots yet. You'll need to keep her in a carrier until she's had her first vaccine."

" _I'll_ have to keep her?" Ardyn asked. Noct rolled his eyes.

"General you." Noct handed the kitten back to Ardyn, and Ardyn smiled as she curled up in his lap, squeaking sadly. "She needs to be on a gruel diet right now. Look at the way her fur's sticking out--That's maybe a four week old, max."

Noct kept talking as he prepared kitten formula, warm water, and a can of cat food. He mixed it all together in a horrifying slop, which he set down in a shallow bowl on the floor. Ardyn laid the kitten next to it, and the little monster shoved her face into the gruel, kneading at it with both paws and crying as she ate.

"Is that... normal behavior?" Ardyn asked.

"Sure." Noct yawned. "It's what they do to get milk out of their mom, you know? Whoever abandoned her probably got her way too young. She's skinny as hell. I'll call someone to take her to the vet--"

"I do have a car," Ardyn said, as the kitten's cries, muffled by food, turned to small grunts. Noct looked at him sharply. "The Gem can survive a morning without business."

"If you want," Noct said. "I have a carrier you can use." 

The kitten, drunk on food and lazy in the warmth of the cafe, didn't object to being placed in the carrier, which Noct lined with a pad in case of accidents. Ardyn found himself checking on her every half minute on his walk back to the car, and on the fifteenth or so glance, had to stop to momentarily reevaluate his life choices.

"Good gods," he said. "What on earth have I just done?"

The kitten, as though sensing the sea change rolling through Ardyn's carefully-planned and scheduled life, opened her eyes just a fraction and screamed.

 

-

 

"I'll have you know," Ardyn said, as Noct stepped into the Gem at noon the next day, "that this kitten has singlehandedly ruined an aesthetic that took me twenty years to cultivate."

Noct stopped at the door. He looked up at the crystal lamps, the expensive woven wallpaper, the antique furniture and heavy curtains. Then he looked at Ardyn, sitting in a booth with a small kitten on his lap, holding a bottle to the kitten's mouth.

"Right," Noct said. "I can see that."

"The vet said she needs to be weaned," Ardyn said, before realizing, with a spike of horror, that he sounded exactly like Ravus with his new one-eyed friend. "That is. The bottle."

"Yeah, it's a pain," Noct said. He slipped into the booth next to Ardyn. He smelled faintly of jasmine, just like Cor sometimes did, and his jaw was more defined up close, hidden as it was by his hair. "You're doing okay, though."

"Thank you," Ardyn said, but his attempt at sarcasm didn't go over quite how he expected. The kitten--Hestia, he called her, after a third-century poet who accidentally caused a city-wide riot composed entirely of lesbians--squeaked and gnawed at the bottle.

"I know some people who are willing to foster her," Noct said.

"Oh, no," Ardyn said, almost unthinkingly. "She's too clever by half. She already knows how to climb over most of the barricades I've set up for her, she screams at all hours of the night if she isn't being held--"

Noct grinned.

"She's needy and vicious and I have three scars on my arm so far to prove it. No, I expect I'll be keeping her for the time being."

Noct leaned back. His shirt was patterned with skulls, as usual, and Ardyn could just see the edge of a tattoo on his left bicep, something sketchy and indistinct, a woman rising out of the sea. "You already named her," he said.

"Yes, I may have."

"So maybe you're not completely an asshole," Noct said, "if a needy, vicious monster likes you."

"Why, Noct," Ardyn said, lowering his gaze. "That may be the kindest thing you've ever said to me. Coffee?"

Noct extended a hand to the empty bar. "Sure," he said. "Surprise me."

Ardyn made Noct a version of Ravus' usual, which of course Noct loved, and brewed himself a cup of tea. They sat together again, with the kitten back in her rather large, well-stocked cage in the library.

"So I was in Altissia," Noct said, swirling a straw in his cup, "waiting to be discharged, because like hell they weren't gonna send me home after I pretty much drowned getting the guys out of there. And there's all this shit I had to do, but it was like I'd used up everything down there, dragging them out."

Noct's fingers tightened on the cup. Ardyn could almost see it, this young man a good foot shorter than half his friends, pulling them to safety through flooded canals and city streets while enemy fire shot through the water.

"I know it happens to everyone," Noct said. "Or mostly everyone. But I didn't see a point anymore. Except there was this cat outside, right? And I've always liked cats, so I, I don't know, I opened the window and fed him sometimes, and he started hanging around..." He gazed into the middle distance, chewing on his lower lip. "It changes things, knowing that you can still help. That something out there is happy just to see you, even if just getting up to shower feels like too much."

"You didn't leave the cat behind, did you?" Ardyn asked. Noct shook his head as though dispelling the memory.

"Nah," he said. "You've seen him. The cat that snuck into your cafe, remember? Bahamut. I call him Ham, because, uh. He really likes to eat..."

"And he's a bit dramatic," Ardyn said.

"Yeah, well, you'd know." Noct smiled. Ardyn, to his own shock, found himself smiling back.

"You know what," Noct said, leaning in. His leg pressed up against Ardyn's. "You're not that bad, when you aren't buying up all the Ebony in town."

"I don't regret that," Ardyn said. Noct's smile had the hint of wickedness to it, now, and Ardyn felt a slow thrill rise through him, heat pooling in his stomach. 

"That's fine," Noct said, and kissed him.

Which was, in a practical world, precisely where it would have ended. Ardyn would have laughed it off and told him to go home, or suggested they take it just a bit slower, or do anything, anything at all, except what he actually did next. Which was to press Noct down onto the bench right there, in full view of the wide window by the door, and render him flushed and breathless, hands grasping at the lapels of his jacket. It was glorious. It was possibly the worst decision of his life. It was the best kiss Ardyn had experienced in almost a decade.

The front door jingled as it opened, and both Noct and Ardyn looked up to find Luna there, mouth open in unabashed delight.

"Traitors," she said, eyeing Ardyn with a gleam of triumph, "sit _outside."_

 

\---

 

"She's watching us again," Noct said ten weeks later, lying back on Ardyn's bed with his legs hooked over Ardyn's shoulders, hair pooling on the pillow.

"Your fault for leaving the door open," Ardyn said. Noct's lips parted as Ardyn rocked into him. He was always so quiet when he was close, all suppressed grunts and gasps, silent cries and gritted teeth. Ardyn had come to recognize the signs, and relished keeping him there, trapped on the brink of pleasure. Noct had been hanging on for at least ten minutes so far, but Ardyn suspected he could last another, with enough incentive.

_Aooouw!_

"Oh, hell's teeth," Ardyn said, as Hestia leapt onto the bed, tail whipping furiously, and climbed over to Noct. She started batting at his hair, and when Noct jerked back with the force of Ardyn's thrusts, she jumped on his shoulder.

"I can't come with a cat in my face," Noct said, and burst out laughing as Hestia curled up on top of his head. "Oh my gods. Oh gods. Ardyn, stop her."

Ardyn paused, leaning all his weight into Noctis, and lifted the cat off the pillow. She yowled as he dropped her unceremoniously off the edge of the bed.

"We can't come back from this," Noct said. "Ardyn, we-- _fuck."_

Ardyn bit down just below Noct's ear as he nearly bent him in half. "You were saying?"

"Just. Make it quick? Before she comes back."

"As you command," Ardyn said, and even though that set Noct to laughing again, it wasn't long before he was grasping at the sheets, hissing out Ardyn's name through his teeth. Ardyn gripped his face in both hands and kissed him as he rode through his own release, crying out considerably louder than Noct ever dared.

Noct snorted.

"She's watching us again," Ardyn said, deadpan. Noct covered his face with both hands, and Ardyn rolled off him, defeated, as Hestia jumped back onto the bed. She leapt onto Ardyn's pecs and started kneading him, her sharp little claws digging into his considerable chest hair. When she started to purr, Noct rolled over onto his side, shoulders shaking.

"You're a pest," Ardyn said to Noct, smiling ruefully. "I knew it the moment I saw you."

"You like me anyways," Noct said, through wheezes of laughter. Ardyn sighed and pet Hestia with one hand, the other digging into Noct's dark, silky hair.

"What can I say?" Ardyn said, as Noct curled up at his side, throwing a leg over his hip. "I have a weakness for needy little monsters."

"Oh, fuck you," Noct said, kissing Ardyn's shoulder.

"If you insist," Ardyn said, and closed his eyes. "But next time? Do remember to close the door."


End file.
